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Monday, November 16, 2009

Mixed Emotions

Mixed Emotions



I think I knew. I hoped I was wrong. I am sad to say I am not. For now.

The pain of infertility is intense. It does not go away when you have a child. For me at least. Infertility is such a feeling of your body betraying you and not being able to do the most natural thing. During pregnancy I felt I was not able to experience the whole joy possible because I would not let myself get too excited…I had been hurt so much waiting for the pregnancy to happen.

I was able to genuinely be happy for pregnant people when I was pregnant. I still had to deal with feelings if achieving pregnancy was easy for them…but I was happy.

I do feel true immediate happiness for those that I know have struggled with infertility. They know.

Chris will tell you, I was thinking of additional baby names on the way home from the hospital after having Lorelei. He says we can have as many children as we can. (Now, remember we have had it easy in some ways with Lorelei with her sleeping through the night from five days old, etc.) I missed being pregnant immediately…although I was so happy to finally meet this little girl who had been interacting with me for so long…on the inside.

I say all of this to say my heart still hurts when someone announces a pregnancy. I am happy for them.

I am so thankful my Savior knows the desires of my heart. And cares.

I have sat on this post for a couple of weeks. I am ashamed of my feelings but they are there. In teaching my students Bible this year I have been encouraged about all of the stories of infertility included in the Bible. I also have been back to the doctor since I first wrote this and she said she wants us to wait until Lorelei is nine months and then try on our own for six months and then she will see what she can do to help. And I do have our next two children named. Just saying. (Chris doesn't like Just Saying as a name. Ha!) Seriously though, if they get to be used, you know we like a good secret!

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